


Letters

by IRegretNothingAndEverything



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Gen, Gordon's uhhh sad, Letters, implied suicide, letters to loved one, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29528196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IRegretNothingAndEverything/pseuds/IRegretNothingAndEverything
Summary: Gordon writes a couple letters to his friends.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	Letters

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea, and now I must hurt you with it.

Benrey, 

It’s a funny thing, isn’t it? Writing letters and not wanting one back? I think about what I’m doing as a write these. Writing them gives me time to contemplate it, really. Why am I doing, truly? Right now? 

_Bubby,_

_God, I know. Emotions, man, being forced to face those, that sucks doesn’t it? I’m sorry for that. I never liked making people uncomfortable. I hope you aren’t too uncomfortable right now, with this whole thing._

**Coomer,**

**Do I apologize for this? I don’t know, really. To you, I feel like it would matter more than most. To you, you might spare a moment to care about me. That’s not a fault against you, that’s never been. It’s always been me, a worried little broken thing that no one really thinks to look at unless it can give you something, but all I can give is hurt**

_**Tommy,** _

**_Please don’t cry over me. I always hated it when you cried. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to feel better, you deserve to not be burdened by whatever the hell I’ve got going on in my mind, y’know?_ **

I wrote yours last. I know why, really, since I didn’t know what I wanted to put in here. I didn’t know how to handle everything that we’ve been through, everything we’ve done to each other, I didn’t know, and I still don’t know. I do know that I don’t want you blaming yourself for this. 

_Look, you and Coomer, you guys have always been important to me. You know that right? You know that I care about you deeply, you know that I would have lay down my life if given the chance if it meant protecting you. I know it seems... less now, but it doesn’t mean that it is._

**I’m sorry you guys have to see me like this, you know? It feels like something I should apologize for, but everything is now-a-days. I apologize for everything and I hope that you know I mean it, but that isn’t the point here, the point is that you shouldn’t have to deal with this.**

_**You are amazing, Tommy. Don’t blame yourself for this. I don’t want any of you blaming yourself, but you especially. You all kept me going for longer than I thought would ever be possible. To be fair, I thought I would be dead by sixteen. The fact that I made it almost to thirty? Unprecedented, and you helped that, Tommy.** _

Benrey, I’m not gonna lie to you. We agreed after Black Mesa we would never lie to each other, so I’m still giving you that courtesy even now. I can’t lie to you and say that all that shit in Black Mesa didn’t matter, because it did, and it sucked, but we got over that. We dealt with that, but that doesn’t mean my nightmares give a shit. I had nightmares about you, but I don’t blame you, Benrey, and I don’t want you blaming yourself, either. It’s okay. You tried your best, and you made up for it. 

_I’m just... tired, you know? So so tired, and it just feels safer. Easier. I feel like I want to go home, but there isn’t a home for me to go to anymore. I feel like you might understand that of anyone else. You may have hated Black Mesa, but I saw those longing looks outside the windows towards that hellscape. It was your home, for so so long, so of course you feel weird about being out here. That’s not something to be ashamed about, Bubby._

**I don’t know how to fix this, y’know? I’m worried that this is gonna hurt you more than I think it will, but please don’t shed too many tears over me? You don’t cry often, but it still sucks when you do. I don’t want you crying over me. I feel better now. I know I do. It still hurts when I write this, but when you read it, I’ll be okay. Know that, Dr. Coomer.**

**_There’s something that I never understood, but I get now, I think. You guys don’t fear death, and for a bit I didn’t understand, how someone whose happy can be so unafraid, because the only people I know who aren’t scared of death are like me, they wait for it to come for them, but now? Now, I know. You aren’t scared, not because you’re immortal or you come back, you’re not scared because you’re happy. It doesn’t make sense to me, how that can be, but I get it._ **

I’m just hoping you stick around, Benrey. You guys need each other, like a pack of wolves, though that metaphor collapses if you scrutinize it a bit. I just want you guys to be okay afterwards, y’know? 

_Be okay, again. It’s okay. This isn’t a set back, this is me letting you go ahead without me. You guys are gonna be okay. This is gonna be better for you, all of you._

**You’ve been so important to me, all of you, and I love you all, but... y’know, sometimes love doesn’t win.**

_**So don’t cry for me, okay? I’m happy now. Finally. I promise.** _

L _o_ **v** _ **e** , _G _o_ **r** **d** o _n_

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, please leave your tears in the comment section <3
> 
> Tumblr is diieanywhereelse, if you wanna yell at me there about this!


End file.
